New Year’s Resolutions Versus New Year’s Realities

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New Year’s Resolution: Download a mindfulness app!

New Year’s Reality: Put the app on the fourth screen of your iPhone, right next to “stocks” and “wallet.” Then proceed to download Tinder and delete it the next day. Repeat indefinitely.

New Year’s Resolution: Order a print newspaper subscription because democracy dies in darkness!

New Year’s Reality: Read the news on Twitter. Let the papers pile up and throw them out with the regular garbage.

New Year’s Resolution: Indulge yourself by soaking in the tub!

New Year’s Reality: Close your eyes and breathe in the aroma of the lavender bath crystals you got at the farmers market. Praise yourself for buying local. Breathe out and open your eyes to a deep gray ring in your tub. Cringe. Order a six-pack of magic erasers on Amazon.

New Year’s Resolution: Keep a journal!

New Year’s Reality: Text GIFs compulsively while your Moleskine remains untouched on your nightstand. One frustrating day at work, turn to it to vent, but stop yourself because the creamy paper doesn’t deserve your negativity.

New Year’s Resolution: Buy essential oils!

New Year’s Reality: Type the following into Google: “What are essential oils and what do they do and how do I use them.” Toss them under your sink.

New Year’s Resolution: Get eight hours of sleep!

New Year’s Reality: … If you have the time after reading the full Wikipedia entries for Watergate and Charles Manson, then watching three makeup tutorials and a “West Wing” episode on your laptop. Remember: Using your phone 15 minutes before bedtime can mess up your R.E.M. sleep.

New Year’s Resolution: Stop comparing yourself to your friends!

New Year’s Reality: Stare at your best friend’s engagement ring. Really stare at it. It’s so big and gorgeous. Flashy, really. Frankly, it’s inappropriate.

New Year’s Resolution: Walk to work!

New Year’s Reality: Put on your sneakers and venture out. Become convinced that you’re getting frostbite after four blocks, which, conveniently, is the location of your favorite coffee shop. Stop in for a croissant and a cappuccino. Order an Uber.

New Year’s Resolution: Delete Uber!

New Year’s Reality: Who are you kidding?

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